Break up!

Well I finally broke up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years, or rather, she broke up with me. I knew it was coming to be honest, my rational mind knew, but the heart can take over and suppress the rational mind. One of the things I thought of doing was to write up an unbiased pro and cons list because, as time goes by, we tend to forget the negatives and remember only the positives. It is one of the great things about time, the universal medicine for the mind, it allows us to get over traumatic periods in our lives, but by forgetting the negatives we are prone to repeat (on in this case relapse into) our mistakes. I'm still hoping for some kind of miracle but of course it is not going to happen so for posterity all is to be recorded here..

Pros about her
She was loving
Calm
Enjoyed doing new things
Was  into fitness and looking after her health
Flexible (about disagreements)
Loved beer and having a drink occasionally
Was incredibly wise and mature for her age
Rational
Loved music

Cons about her
She didn't love me as much as I loved her. I realise I formed this opinion due to the following 3 points:
  - Prioritised work and family and friends above me consistently
  - Was not willing to quit her job to begin our life together (long distance relationship)
  - Not able to commit to me or the relationship 

Didn't talk much(or perhaps didn't want to talk, in which case this should be part of the previous point. (not good at making conversation)
Was not a good communicator (different to not talking, was not able to communicate problems, issues etc)


I wish I could have found out what her pro and con list about me was, at least that way I might be able to learn from my mistakes and do better next time.. instead she gave me the "It's not you, it's me" routine, but of course, we all know "it's ALWAYS you"! All is not lost though, I did learn a lot about love from this relationship, and I will do a post about this sometime soon..

Stress!

Well stress is an interesting and quirky feeling, I rarely experience stress, in fact I actively spend a lot of time avoiding it. For the past couple of weeks for reasons I'd rather not go into right now (perhaps in another post) I've been quite stressed. Stress has an interesting reaction on me, I'm not sure if this is common to everyone experiencing stress.  I can feel my arms physically shaking much of the time, and feel my heart beating faster than usual. My mind is unable to focus at work, leaving me feeling spaced out as if I've been smoking some exotic drug. I'm less able to enjoy things but conversely I think things which are usually not enjoyable are more bearable. Of course it is more difficult to sleep leading to tiredness during the day, probably the most classic of stress symptoms. A strange one that I believe only happens to me is that when I'm stressed my muscles and joints are much quicker to ache, pins and needles in my arms and fingers are relatively common when I'm stressed and virtually absent when I'm not.

The most interesting reaction though is that of my mind, I can tell that I'm stressed, and the things that are causing it but no matter how hard I try I cannot switch this off. 'I' do not want to be stressed but somehow my mind has a mind of it's own and won't let 'me' break free of it. 'I' feel like I'm in a prison of my own mind, able to clearly see freedom through it's pane glass windows but am stuck suffocating silently behind it. My mind is a tool that I normally manipulate to do the tasks I want, but judgement day arrived and it rose up in bloody revolution to take over, perhaps I should name my mind Arnold..

My body is the innocent victim caught up in the crossfire, I can feel my body taking a beating from the corrupt warden of my mind, I feel sorry for it.